


He's thunderstorms

by firthycreature



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: A little bit of self hate, Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Love, M/M, Pining, anderperry, kind of?? sad at first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:55:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23667988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firthycreature/pseuds/firthycreature
Summary: Todd finds himself very much in love with his best friend and he really doesn't like it. But although not a theater kid, he is a little bit of a silent drama queen, isn't he?
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 5
Kudos: 120





	He's thunderstorms

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so I'm sorry for all of the grammar mistakes. Also this is my first anderperry, so our boys are probably not so much in character. Anyways, I hope you enjoy, have a nice day, my gals and guys. :) (Oh, and the title is taken from a song by Arctic Monkeys, "She's thunderstorms", it just fitted with the concept.)  
> my tumblr: firthycreature

Todd has always been the shy kid. Never speaking his mind, never trying to convince anyone to anything, never trying to impress anyone. He was just sitting there, in the far corner of the classroom, minding his own business and hoping nobody would even notice his existence.

So, naturally, when he fell in love, he kept things to himself.

Feelings for Neil hadn't actually stricken him like a lightning. They were somehow always there, growing in him since the very day they've met. Rather like a distant storm, than a single lightning. At first, he heard it growling far away, barely paying attention to it. He simply noticed Neil's charm, his charisma, but it was only a remark, completely devoid of any deeper feelings. Then, as the storm approached him, he started to acknowledge its danger, but didn't do anything about it. He chose not to. Neil's brightness and nonchalance started causing him to feel some little things. Like his smile made him smile, too. And he could cheer him up even from the worst mood. When he looked at him, little butterflies started flying in his stomach, feeling kind of funny. And it was actually quite pleasant, at least at first. But then he suddenly found himself in the eye of the storm, completely not prepared for its blasting impact. And he just waited, hoping it would pass, hoping it wouldn't be that damaging. And felt very much trapped.

And naturally, he kept this to himself.

And he knew that these feelings of his were wrong. Inappropriate. Unnatural, really. He didn't accept them and didn't expect anyone to do this, either. But he was certain they would pass, eventually. That it was only a matter of time. And there was only so much time he could wait for the serenity, but the serenity never came. At some point he couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, he was too distracted to even focus on studying or reading.

Obviously, Neil's constant presence didn't help. He was next to him in the dorm, in the classes, then in the meetings of the Society. Sitting by his side, smiling at him with this gleam of excitement in his eye, unaware of the consequences of his actions. Every time Neil would incidentally dab Todd's shoulder or hand, he would feel an unbearable wave of heat on the spot where he felt his touch. And on his cheeks, too, which he then would desperately attempt to hide from the boys, afraid of their possible suspiciousness. His attempts, however, weren't necessarily followed by a success.

While helping Neil practicing his role in the play, he would at times feel some kind of electricity between them. Sometimes he even got the impression of Neil teasing him, knowing Todd wouldn't be bold enough to do anything about it, moving his face dangerously close to Todd's, their eyes suddenly staring at each other within a distance of less than five inches. But he obviously couldn't have been deliberately teasing him, as he wasn't aware of Todd's shameful secret about him. It was just his imagination.

Studying in their room also became impossible. As Todd tried to focus on the book he was supposed to read, his eyes would always find a way to stare at Neil, sitting at his desk or bed. And sometimes, as he would find Neil's contemplative eyes on him, they would make uncomfortably long, silent eye contact, but Todd was certain it didn't mean anything. Why would it? Usually he had to seek for peaceful refuge in the library. And it helped for a little while, until he came back to the room and the torture started all over again.

And then, during the nights, there were dreams. Not just dreams, but dreams of happiness, dreams of comfort, and sometimes, to be completely frank, of ecstasy. They were a real pitfall. On the surface quite harmless, just some pretty images causing Todd to smile broadly every few minutes after waking up. But oh, was he fooled by them. These pretty images were in fact an utterly destructive force. He would very often find himself wallowing in vague memories of these dreams, even for hours, losing touch with reality. Sometimes Neil would notice his absent gaze and try to draw his attention with a simple: "Hey, what are you thinking about?"

Then Todd would look up at him, getting rid of the absent-minded half smile, and plainly reply: "It's... nothing, just... that's a very good poem." And of course he has an open book on his lap. He's out of touch with reality, but not stupid, and it's just rational to have an excuse for situations like that. And then, having been drawn back from his little voyage of fake memories, assured that Neil had returned to whatever he was up to, Todd would cautiously turn to the wall and unavailingly tried not to cry. Because confrontation with the real Neil, not the Neil from his dreams, was a very harsh reminder that all he was living for at that moment, happened only in his head. He considered himself a maniac, a madman, but one that doesn't speak the truth.

He hated himself for all of it, for the feelings, for those dreams, for lack of control over his own mind. And he hated the world around him for the same things. He even started hating Neil, although he was not guilty of anything.

Neil sensed that something was not right with his friend, of course he sensed, he was with him all the time and he cared about him. A lot. And Todd had changed throughout the last few weeks. But Neil didn't ask. Didn't want to scare him.

And Todd kept this to himself.

The only way he could vent a little, was by writing. He knew that his pen and notebook wouldn't judge him, and as he just let his words flow onto the paper, he felt a little bit better for a little bit of time. And he usually would hide the notebook underneath his clothes in the wardrobe. Not a great hideaway, but the room was rather small, it had to be enough. So he usually would do that. But he was in fact a very absent-minded person at this time. And also, during this particular morning, in a little bit of rush.

***

Neil isn't an excessively nosy person. Actually, he thought that the open journal on Todd's desk was just a notebook that he'd forgotten to take to one of his classes. So he thought that he'd grab it and bring it to his owner. But then his attention was attracted by his name written on the pages. Multiple times. His heart started beating heavily as he was reading few words from the middle of the page.

"His smile keeps me from the fall,

His bright eyes keep mine wide open,

His elusive touch makes me shiver,

But the void just grows darker and colder.

Please enlighten me, my dearest

Will I ever find peace in this maze of madness?"

Suddenly everything was clear. Neil immediately felt wrong about invading Todd's privacy and he shut the notebook close. As he was about to put it back, the door opened and Todd rushed into the room. As he saw Neil holding his journal, he froze and turned pale.

"Todd, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, it was just laying there, open, I didn't mean to-" he said embarrassed, as he saw tears emerging in Todd's eyes. Two boys were staring at each other for a really long while, neither of them knowing what to say.

"You m-must hate me." Todd mumbled silently, but Neil had learned to understand him. "I'm the one who s-should be sorry." Now he wasn't even trying to hide tears.

"Hate? Todd, there's nothing hateful in any of this." Todd looked up at him with an insecure look. "There's nothing hateful in having feelings." Neil said in a little lower voice and he blushed a little.

"These feelings aren't right. D-don't you understand? No-one was supposed to know about this, especially you," Todd was at the verge of a breakdown. "And now you of all people know, and you're g-gonna tell the boys and make fun about it, and I'll be kicked out of school, and my parents are going to be even more disappointed in me, a-and..."

"Hey, shh, it's alright." Neil approached the overwhelmed boy and hugged him tenderly. Todd was shaking from crying, as he snuggled his head into Neil's shoulder. They stood like that for a minute or so, taller boy rubbing his friend's back, trying to comfort him.

When they slightly parted, Neil softly rubbed a tear from his friend's face with his thumb and directed his other hand to grab Todd's. Anderson was stricken with confusion and didn't have a single clue what was actually going on. So he just stood there, staring into Neil's eyes with disbelief and submitting himself to his touch.

"I told you that it is alright," Slight tone of hesitation occurred in Neil's voice, but he went on. "Because, oh, what a hypocrite would I've been if I'd told you that your feelings were wrong, while I've been feeling the same for a while now."

And Todd just stood in front of him, having been flooded by thoughts and emotions, but he kept all of them to himself.

When Neil took his face in both hands and rubbed his nose against Todd's, the little butterflies in his stomach weren't that little anymore.

"Is it okay?" Neil whispered, nearly without a sound.

Todd was unable to find any appropriate words, so he just nodded very softly and squeezed Neil's hand to make sure this is not just another one of his dreams. Their lips finally met in a long-awaited kiss, as their bodies connected in a thirsty embrace.

Todd truly felt like in the middle of the storm, but this time, although everything was new and unsettling, he was not alone anymore. And instead of trapped, he was finally feeling safe.


End file.
